In the past few blog post I’ve been speaking about my moms health, but today I’m going to speak on my mental health through the past few years. I’ve contemplated speaking on it because I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m sharing this for people in similar situation can relate to me and not feel alone. I’m also going to talk about how I handle my depression and I hope my method helps one out there.
Having parents with cancer is not an easy thing to deal with; from the constant therapies to surgeries, medication and fear is not. You never know when a test comes back saying “its positive”. It’s not only one parent but both. It’s been physically and mentally exhausting to me. With my dad wasn’t much part of my life I still feel a painful empty space from loosing him. My moms current situation is what hurts me the most, it makes me feel useless. We have such an amazing bond, I hate seeing someone I love so much in such pain. The side effects of cancer is not an easy site, you get to see a loved one lose their hair, loose excessive weight, go under surgery etc. It has not been an easy journey and will never be. There are nights I wake up crying cause and nights I struggle to sleep a bit. I’m not always okay, I’m very good at hiding my feelings. I sometimes feel like I’m in a dark space in life.
At some point I became anti social, I’d delete my social media accounts to stay away from people, I’d burn bridges with people for no reason. I have mood swings which are bad, my appetite is not always there. There are times I feel restless, useless and randomly I’d get very emotional. When my mom felt sick again I turned to the wrong people for support, I will never forget the way I was being treated by them. There are times I feel afraid. Up to this day like today I still feel some of this pain, in the future blog post you will know why. Despite everything I’m happy that I get to take care of my mom, I’m not able to finish college but I will someday. I’m happy I get the time I’ve lost to spend it with her.
Some ways I’ve dealt and currently dealing with my depression is writing (which is what I’m currently doing), started going gym or random walks, I did online free therapy with http://www.7cups.com (they were so helpful), I listen to music and most importantly I PRAY !! Always remember you can’t go through anything without praying to God.
“Heavenly Father, please strengthen our hearts, and remind us to encourage one another when the troubles of life start to overwhelm us. Please guard our hearts from depression. Give us the strength up to rise up each day and fight against the struggles which seek to weigh us down. Amen.” ~ John Barnett